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We were discussing that the peace at home
is basic to the protection of Islam and Islamic atmosphere. A
healthy new generation is dependent on this. The husband and
wife are made for each other. However ALLAH has not made any
two persons alike, so each person has own personality which is
different from others, so much so that even the lines on hands
are different. This is an example of ALLAH’s creative
perfection. Such individuality can only be created by
omnipotent ALLAH who just says "be, and it happens". He even
created humans with out mother and father, and the examples are
Adam (PUBH) and Jesus (PUBH) with their own individuality. So
much so that even all the animals, birds and plants have their
own identity. Not everything is applicable to each one, just
like no medicine affects every one alike.
Marriage is a bond between two individuals
who are not identical. One may be more shy than the other, may
be more stubborn than the other. One is manly and the other one
is feminine. When both are so different then their reaction to
situations will be different too. Now the question arises as to
how to make this work. It can be done when both man and wife
try to understand each other’s psychology. For this reason
Islam has preferred a marriage between the Kafoo (people of same
tribe, status and cousins etc.). This is because when
individuals are growing up in similar environment of the
families at large then they will develop similar way of
thinking. There is a story that I would like to tell you in
this regard. A certain king came to like the daughter of a
beggar and they got married. After the marriage the women
started to lose her health. Upon investigation it was found
that she stayed hungry. When enquired further about the reason
for this it was found that she was used to begging for her
food. So the royal physicians suggested creating same
conditions for her. Now for a queen it was hard to beg, so it
was decided that food will be kept in certain shelves and she
would beg from the shelves for her food. In this way her eating
came to become normal and she recovered from her sickness. Well
this is only a story but it tells a lot about the significance
of compatibility for marriage.
What I mean to say is that if both husband
and wife know each other's limitations then the matter of
understanding each other becomes easy, other wise it takes some
time to know the likings and disliking of each other. It is no
big problem if they are not related to each other but they do
need to know each other from the very first day and as they come
to know each other gradually, their compatibility will increase
with time and their lives will get easier. Having a third party
to intervene will increase the problems rather than decreasing
them. As I mentioned earlier, each person has his or her
individual perspective and to resolve this we have to work on
the principle of give and take, which cannot come about without
mutual understanding. Since the women are responsible for the
home so she has to be more giving. When she is living with her
parents, she has to give to parents and siblings. When she is
living with her in-laws then she has to cater to that family. I
must say one thing here that if she is the first daughter in-law
of the family then she faces more difficulties as the new family
would not be familiar with you. They are not yet used to
sharing your husband’s love with somebody else. It takes time
to normalize things. So both of you have to realize the
psychology of the family. With all due respect to others in the
family, you have to give priority to your husband because no man
wants to share his significance and love with others including
his children. However a strategic way to do this is that by
body or oral languages make it sure which things you are doing
for your husband and which ones for your in-laws. Otherwise
misunderstandings can create bitterness and mistrusts develop
from this. For this very reason Qur’an has forbidden us from
being too inquisitive and speculative. The prophet (PUBH) took
so much care in this that once his wife was with him and a
companion of his passed by, so he introduced him to her. He
said, O Prophet of ALLAH Can I dought you? At this prophet (PUBH)
said that he did this introduction so that there was no doubt
left. There is a lesson for us in this that we should try to
avoid misunderstandings and the best way for this is to amicably
explain things to your near and dear ones. By doing this you
would avoid speculations by others. Second important thing is
that, do things in moderation. For example since you have
recently left your parent’s home, you would like to visit them
often, however do not just keep praising their things, such as
how good a cook your mother is or how good are your father and
brother etc are, all the time. If you do this, you would be
hurting people of your new home unnecessarily, even though you
would not mean this but they might take it as such.
Apart from this some women keep a herd of
friends around them all the time. Going to shopping with some
one day, going to some function with them the other day and so
on. Too much socializing also creates bitterness, so do it in
moderation. Particularly at the time when your husband is about
to come home from work, you should try to stay home. The
woman’s presence is like the cool shadow of a tree. So when he
comes home from the hard work of the day, he will need this
shelter, and if he does not find it at home then you can imagine
how he would feel and how mad he would be when you come home
from your outing. If you do have to go somewhere at that time,
let him know before hand, then he will not be utterly
disappointed and would be mentally prepared for that. This way
his trust in you and your love for him will not be hurt. Also
he will not develop jealousy for your friends.
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